Extreme Procedure

A man has undergone an extreme medical procedure which was necessary to save his life. It was necessary to divert his entire bloodstream/lifestream outside his body and into some machinery to be cleaned and filtered, and to run clean fluid through all his vessels before replacing the blood. This procedure is so harrowing and dangerous as to only be undergone if absolutely necessary, when there is no alternative. He is out of the coffin-like enclosure which was used, but still hooked up to the machinery. The entire front of his torso is opened up, the skin rolled back around a huge tube (as large as the torso itself) which leads into the equipment. He has survived, and is smiling!

What was done is being demonstrated to me by medical personnel. We are in a very small, windowless room, so full of tubes and wires that we can hardly move around. I feel claustrophobic. I say, “I’ve got to get out of here!” I’ve heard enough, and am starting to get panicky. As I rush for the door, I get a glimpse of the actual procedure, like a flashback: The man is closely encased in a heavy lucite container which is only an inch or two larger than his body in all directions; therefore having a simplified figurative form. His respiration and circulation are transferred into the machines, and he is totally drowned in fluid inside the case. I am informed that he had to endure this for 24 hours! I exclaim that he must have gone mad, and they say, “Yes, he did.”

 

My New Green Legacy

Spending the weekend in San Francisco at a B&B in a high-rise mall, I am awakened too early for a Saturday morning by loud and inappropriate music. Annoyed, I imagine the early shift workers have somehow goofed. I recall that Heike said she found both her apartment and her man by going out for a walk, and reflect that I will nurture myself with a walk today. Heading out, I meet a vibrant man with a decidedly gay air about him who leads me to his home. We are in a very wealthy and exclusive part of town. He points out a singular building, a very tall apartment house, that is simultaneously strikingly rustic and very elegant. It is entirely made of enormous wood timbers, some still round, natural logs, and fantastically carved, like a towering temple of Wood Spirit in the midst of the urban environment. It sits up on tall columns or stilts of massive wood, like a circle of tree trunks, with the actual living quarters beginning maybe a hundred feet off the ground. The only way to ascend is a rather primitive helical stairway of logs, very steep with no railing, in the middle of the circle.

My guide leads the way, effortlessly mounting the steep spiral of logs. I start up without hesitation, but mid-way, realizing it’s extremely steep with no hand rail, become very afraid and yell to him that I can’t do it. I am clinging to the logs in front of me, like clinging to hand holds in a cliff, feeling that going back down is equally dangerous as going ahead, when I see I am actually at the top of the stairs. I throw my left arm over the top log, and my guide points out some black ropes, thin but strong, hanging in the towering cylindrical well within the circle of trunks. I complain that this is no way to enter a building, that most people would never make it, etc. It dimly occurs to me that this is no ordinary building and it’s not for most people. Still trembling with fear, I haul myself up the ropes. They lead to a small aperture, and following his lead, I pull myself through. We are on the roof.

There is a beautiful garden on the roof, with a psychedelic feeling. The carved wood timbers of the structure provide a harmonious backdrop for a gorgeous sculpture collection. It is a glorious day, with golden sunshine in the winter; the kind of sun that feels so welcome when days are still cool. My guide is positively frolicsome. We are rolling around on the dense green ground cover like a couple of kids. I can still feel his gay vibe, but it doesn’t bother me. I accept him as he is, and he accepts me as I am. The lovely roof garden, which somehow manages to appear casual despite its scrupulously tended beds and groupings of plants, some of which are very old, makes a great setting for the transmission of divine energy and purpose.

My guide sits up suddenly and begins to speak in tongues, a kind of vibrating, electrified babbling. It is all about Green, a green prayer, a green testament. He is praying out over the rooftops of the city, radiating to the world – Let them be Green! The secret green energy of the plant kingdom is filling him and expanding his consciousness, and mine by proximity. I reflect that I need to nurture my body with live green food, vegetables, to partake in this energy.

We get up and leave the roof, descending into his apartment. It is big, sumptuous and elegant. It is all very tasteful, old-style cultured elegance, not the overdone gaudy richness of empire or the coldness of corporate wealth. The beautiful furniture and many objects of art are all warm, humanistic and understated. The suite of rooms itself is an architectural triumph. A wealth of individual focused environments has been created within a larger, flowing whole. I love the open plan, and wander from room to room as the spaces unfold into each other, treasuring the sensations evoked by the thoughtfully designed spaces.

As I keep on exploring, the voice of my guide gets fainter and farther behind. I am naked and go downstairs to another apartment, where people are having a big gathering. Coming down the steps, I hesitate a bit, then enter unashamed, asking if this is part of the place I’ve come from, or another place. A woman dressed in lilac welcomes me. The event is a funeral. I listen to the conversation, and it soon becomes clear that they are eulogizing my guide, the owner of the apartment upstairs. I exclaim that he can’t be dead, because I have just been speaking with him. Then, it dawns on me that his spirit came to me to guide me into my new green legacy. I realize that, if I went back upstairs, I would not find him. There is a sense that the apartment, with its cultural richness, is now mine, and that even though I have come late and naked to the sophisticated gathering, I have an important place in this community.

A Murder Has Been Discovered

A Murder Has Been Discovered

A Murder Has Been Discovered

I hike into the wild, steep mountains to the west with a group of men at night, by moonlight. The mountains are vast and rugged. We are enjoying the wonders of the place when one man exclaims he has found a body! We all hasten to have a look, and I can only stand a brief glance at the sight. It is the pale, cold body of a woman, completely drained of blood, life and color, looking almost like a marble statue in the moonlight. It is completely severed at the waist, and the arms and legs are missing. I am stricken with profound grief and shock, and turn away, saying we must go home and report the murder.

As we turn back, the path gets more dangerous. It is as if we hadn’t noticed the danger on the way out, but just getting back to the main trail from the precipitous site of the murder is pretty scary. Heading back toward the town in the valley to the east, I meet a man who is just starting out in the direction from which we are returning. He extends a hearty greeting and is obviously in the mood for a great solo hike. I warn him not to go further, saying a murder has been discovered, and urge him to turn back.

Premonitions of a New World

Extraordinary dreams this morning; An enlightening quality of lucidity beyond what I’ve previously experienced, pointing to a new world. This material is difficult to articulate, but I’ll give it a go:

Several times, in the context of various interactions with others, I suddenly slip into a state of heightened awareness in which I can see the big picture of my life’s purpose and energy while simultaneously engaging and participating fully in the present moment. Each time, there is a shock of recognition; the certainty that this is a state of higher consciousness which is more true, more all-encompassing, and more immediately and vibrantly present than ordinary reality, which seems a faded dream by comparison. Profound lucidity in these moments includes the knowledge that I’m dreaming, and that the dream is for me to explore. I see with certainty that the “others” are parts of myself, and tell them so.

The state is so intense that it’s difficult to contain, and I repeatedly jump out of it in order to describe it to someone. I witness the paradox and contradiction between observing, recording, describing, documenting, and fully letting go in the participatory present. The so-called “Objective” observer is necessarily a pitiful ghost, disembodied and insubstantial, and objectivity is an illusion. It is much richer to Let Go into full presence and participation. The fear here is of the actual Death of the observer, the Ego, but since it’s an illusion in the first place, nothing is lost and everything is gained by dying in this way.

I begin to understand that this illusion of a separate observer is profoundly alienating, limiting and disempowering. It ultimately must be sacrificed, left behind at the portal into larger being, and that the fear of death is what keeps us small, weak, isolated and limited. It is clear that, having passed through this portal, no one would experience the slightest desire to return to the previous state. How absurd it is that we cling so fiercely to our limitations, deathly afraid of the slightest loosening of our grip, unwilling to relinquish even a particle of our suffering; while our Original Nature, which is bliss and abundance, waits patiently on the other side with the half-smile of the Mona Lisa.

This stream of words and concepts, this attempt at description, is misleading, because the experience wasn’t abstract or conceptual, but very present, immediate and concrete. No words could describe it, because the very act of description terminates the state. The need for observation and description only arises in the state of suffering. The one who desires to record and explain is dead in the state of bliss, and who would want to revive him?

The Sculptor’s Legacy

I’ve been given the opportunity to live rent-free in very special and unique house. I’ve just moved in, and am having my first look at it. The first room I see is a large sleeping loft, at a great height above the floor below. It is big enough to be a private living area, and the edge has a low railing, only about 18 inches high.  This makes for a very open feeling, but is also a bit scary, as it’s a long way down. There’s a Japanese style low table near the rail, and I feel right at home. The furnishings and art objects that are everywhere make it clear that a powerful and prolific artist lived here a long time. Everything is as it was, and it’s all there for me to enjoy.

The view from the rail is of a very tall and richly sculptured fireplace wall rising from the room below. There aren’t many windows, and the feeling is very rich and dark, very interior/internal, with lots of velvety maroon wall covering. It’s like a cathedral of the inner life. At some point, I find myself on the lower floor, without knowing how I got there. There is a huge table littered with evidence of the artist’s creativity. Every detail is unusual and fascinating. Every piece of furniture is unique; every object out of the ordinary.

I wander out the door and see a hillside yard filled with amazing stone sculptures. They are mostly male figures embedded in a kind of cubist yet organic matrix, very complex and detailed, but not classically realistic. They have their own kind of detail, which is about how the jumble of forms is articulated. Most of the figures have a very small figure arising from the abdomen. These are birth-giving males. On the whole, the pieces present the appearance of richly detailed boulders between 3 and 5 feet high, organically set about the hillside. There are a lot of them, clearly representing a major accomplishment. I see that the artist was primarily a sculptor, thinking in 3 dimensions, and moved by Form. I reflect that his work is the closest I’ve seen to my own vision.

I walk around to a kind of roof deck, which seems to have an alarming downward slope, and see that the house is built on a very steep hillside with the sculpture yard above, and mostly a sheer drop below, overlooking a panoramic view of hills unfamiliar to me. I realize I don’t know where I am, and find this very disorienting and bothersome. On the left is a kind of coastal area, and I see a bridge. I wonder if the bridge will prove recognizable, and tell me where I am, but it is unfamiliar. Then, I see several other bridges in that area. Looking to the right, I see a smoky, smog stained horizon and wonder if I am near Los Angeles. The feeling of sudden and unknown relocation is quite disorienting.

I’m walking back up to the road with some people when an old caretaker woman appears. I ask her where we are, and she gives the name of a beach community near Los Angeles. I realize she’ll be around, but she keeps to herself.

Later, I return to the house and explore it more thoroughly. At one point, I’m in the upper story examining the massive and unusual roof trusses. I realize the artist designed and built this place, and it is very solid.  At another point, Daddy is there, and I talk about the artist. He says he knew the guy.  I’m incredulous, “You knew him?”  Then, my mother is there, and we roll her wheelchair out onto the roof deck to see the view. She then rolls herself right over to the edge to get a better look. This makes me nervous, because it’s a big drop, and the parapet is low.  I am concerned for her safety, and double check that she has set the brakes on her chair.  The view is truly breathtaking.

Later, we are walking on the grounds below the house, and I come across a bundle of incense sticks which have been lit en masse previously, and are mostly burnt. I pick it up and ask for a match. Someone wonders if it lighting the incense would be disrespectful to the place’s history, but I say I think it’s a good idea. A match is produced and lit, and I hold the bundle to the flame, but it doesn’t last long enough and only a few sticks are lit.

Interpretation: The artist I was is dead, but I have inherited his legacy, which is rich. The sculptures of birth-giving males indicate I’m birthing a new incarnation of my work, and may suggest that sculpture would be a fertile medium for me.

The Love We Share

Reader alert: This dream contains the dreaded N-word. It is not a racist statement. Anybody who knows me would know that. It is simply surrealism. It is unedited raw material straight from the Unconscious. It comes from early 1993, when I was living at Esalen, and running the Creative Arts Center there. I finally (Sept. 2011) decided to publish it because it’s so unique. It’s just too good not to share…

Feb 1, 1993, 3:30 am:  I just awoke from a group of dreams of wild and sumptuous creativity and clear, resonant emotional content.  What matters is the love we share.  Everything else is an order of magnitude less important.  A description of the images or story could not begin to convey what these dreams are about:

I want to tell Deborah Miller (she was running Friends of Esalen at the time) how happy I am.  She’s a bit standoffish in a pink suit.  “Oh Debbie,” I say, gathering her into a hurried hug, “Let me love you.  I am feeling so much.  It’s not personal, but just so much I need to share it with someone.”  She’s a bit stiff, and very pregnant.  To show her what I mean, I place my hand gently on her belly.  She understands, and takes my hand, and we  walk together, but not for long.  The connection is broken, slipping and sliding down steep, icy sidewalks in a lovely old area of San José.  These places weren’t made for ice – you can see they never expected it.  Someone points out there’s no ice in those upper units.  It’s a microclimate – dependably warm.  Crazy niggers live up there.  They are spoofing paranoia as I wait below:  “What’s he doing there, watching us?  Look at that outfit.” Falling all over themselves laughing.  They carry the old guy down.  He’s drunk and joking about pissing on me, and he does.  Pees on my leg as he lies on his side laughing.

We get out of there and take off down the street.  What’s the matter with those people?  Damn, niggers, they’re racist too!  The whole world is like Disneyland, so sweet and bright and sexless – like disney kids – a lot of feeling though.  Floating through this scene singing and improvising.  The song describes this sweet world as having no sex, no sex, and I sing back in a light-opera comic mode, “Not even just a little?”  What a grand joke.  It’s so funny I fall off the porch laughing backwards into space: Mythical Mom & Dad’s porch in twilight night of costume-jeweled universe.  Just blown out of there.  I almost don’t go back, but they need to know I’m unhurt.  It’s important to let them know.  I return & embrace a 3D cartoon Dad with a caricature squiggle face; all glowing art with ’40s abstract quality.  He’s so emotional, he forgot to take down some of the decorations on the porch. He can’t remember things, and it scares him. Jewell season is over.  I forgot, but I guess it doesn’t matter.   We’re all here together.  That’s what matters.

Mythic Mom comes out.  We’re all teary-eyed and so glowing.  The song becomes a rhythmic sobbing, yet still a song: Ah-hah, ah-hah, IN OUT IN OUT, breathing the release with tears, Real Tears, and everything OPEN. Everyone is crying.  Mom and Dad crying.  Passing woman who cries with my eyes – my reflection as woman – and a dark woman who inspires some fear, even though she just flickers through the scene.  I awaken with the Ah-hah, Ah-hah rhythm of tears very alive in me, so open to life, feeling unable to describe the beauty and splendor of this sumptuous dreamscape of love, song and absurdity.  Drenched in love and color, so open to feeling. In the end, it’s the love we share that matters.  All else is secondary.  The sad story of this dark earth, so hard to comprehend and open to.  Why is it like this, so mean and cold, when each of us has an interior universe of wide open love and creativity?