I am attending a group event in a large, dimly lit auditorium. The space reminds me of a movie theater, with a carpeted, stepped floor sloping upward from the front or bottom to the back. The chairs, however, are missing, and we are seated on the floor in a large circle or oval that goes all around the room. I am sitting about midway up, with the downhill portion of the room to my left, and there is an interesting woman to my right. People are talking, and I find the talk unfocused and irritating. It is mostly jokes and banter, interspersed with one-upmanship and sexual innuendo. I find it irritating because it seems to be a waste of time, and offers me nothing of interest; nothing I can use on my quest. I find myself wondering why people gather in groups, only to waste their time. The woman on my right asks me how I feel about what is going on, and I reply that I don’t like it. She readily agrees, and adds that it is really pissing her off. I muse that we have something in common, and notice that I feel attracted to her, when she begins loudly vocalizing her displeasure to the group. She is furious, yelling that this waste of time pisses her off so much it makes her want to spit. She shouts some alliterations to spit, like sputter, sputum, etc. It is almost a performance piece, it is so heightened.
The buzz of conversation falls silent, and the mood in the room shifts. The lights come up a bit, and people are moving around, like an intermission. Katriona, comes over to me and announces that we are on in 5 minutes. It all falls into place in my mind: We are overseas, this is a Biodrama event, and we are about to perform. I suddenly feel very far from home and utterly vulnerable and unprepared. I have no idea what to do, and it quickly dawns on me that I don’t want to do this. I can’t face the stage fright. I say, “NO, I’m not going to do it! If you think I’m getting up in front of all these people in 5 minutes, you’d better think again! No way!” As I protest, I walk down toward the front, and the intensity of Biodrama leaps into my mind and feelings. It was always terrifying for me, that moment when the show must go on, & you reach into the unknown, yet I recall that it always went well. For an instant, I find myself wondering what I might like to present. At that moment, I get in touch with a small, playful voice inside me which says, “This might be fun. You can do anything you want in front of all these people.” I do not listen, though, because I continue to let my fear rule me, deliberately waking myself up rather than continue the dream.